It’s not supposed to hurt this bad, is it?
It’s not supposed to hurt like this. It happened on Saturday, but time has been going so slowly. I’ve been watching the clock tick. It’s 6 AM. I’ve been sleeping in shifts. Off and on. My body is exhausted, yet energized. I want to weep. But I’ve used up all my tears.
I reach for the phone. Zero missed calls. I want to dial his number. I slam the phone down, and turn on my laptop. Mindless stimulation. Anything to distract myself from the heart-wrenching pain I’ve been experiencing.
“You put work before me.”
Am I a workaholic? Those were his last words. I’m always looking ahead. Deadlines run my life, and I have no excuse. I’ve been in this situation before. It always comes down to this. I never have much free time. A desk calendar hangs on my wall. A planner charts my days in a neat, orderly fashion.
On the other hand, I look at him, a man with all the free time in the world. Why can’t he understand how much my work matters, if only to me?
Now it’s over. A permanent break, an indefinite break, a break-up. Facebook told my friends before I could sum up the energy to pick up the phone. I have a new hatred for technology.
For the first time in my life, I don’t know what to do. I’ve never experienced a break-up before.
My sister told me it was for the best. “You were too young, too serious, too fast.”
I wanted to tell her she was wrong. Hours later, I’m not so sure.
I never thought I’d feel so empty. I wish I was stronger and more self-efficient. I try to think of all my role models in my head, one by one. The truth is I feel like a piece of me is missing.
We aren’t going to g-chat, facebook, text, or call. For now, the painful reminders rest in the love letters and framed picture sitting on my desk.
I keep telling myself that I can get through this. Maybe in a few days, it won’t hurt as bad.
Life is about moving forward, even through the pain.
“Don’t dwell on what went wrong. Instead, focus on what to do next. Spend your energies on moving forward toward finding the answer.” -Dennis Waitley
I don’t know how to get through this. But I know that I will. I’ve finally experienced Break-Up 101.
~DayDreamWriter
Philadelphia, PA
