Ah, what’s in a sitcom?
When you live without cable for three years, watching the crappiest, most questionable television imaginable is no longer a punishment. Oh no, it is a privilege. I can’t even count how many times I sat on my parents’ couch during spring break (yeah, I was that lame kid) and Christmas…er, winter break watching everything from soap operas to game shows to bad chick flicks in Spanish to softcore porn (THAT one was my brother-in-law’s idea!) just because I could. Not to mention sitting through many a Lifetime movie with my mother, playing my favorite game: guess the plot.
Well, now I’m on my own and living the Comcast dream. Except it’s not a dream. Sure, I can watch Dating on Demand and whatever guilty pleasures my roommate and I find, including a very riveting episode of Goosebumps. But one thing is missing.
Don’t have a heart attack, I do, in fact, get Lifetime. I, however, do not get Lifetime Movie Network, a fact I discovered with a heavy heart just this afternoon as I tried to watch Have You Seen My Son, which, according to lmn.tv falls under the genres of “drama” and “touching.”
I feel like…my entire childhood…is out of reach. When my sister and I weren’t pretending we weren’t watching The X-Files, we were laughing at Lifetime. My favorite movie starred Kellie Martin as a delusional teenager who wanted to run away with her boyfriend to Mexico so she could photograph the pyramids. A+.
Now that I am subjected to only what regular Lifetime has to offer, which seems to be cancelled girly sitcoms, I have realized my true calling in life: writer of Lifetime movies.
That’s right, someday I will be remembered as the writer of the greatest Lifetime movies in all the land. I’ve even crafted my first plot and chosen Lindsay Lohan as my washed-up female lead. As a transsexual.
So you see, like they say, every cloud has a silver lining. After spending four years in journalism school, I now feel free to quit my job at a law firm to pursue a career in television entertainment.
Look for me on Lifetime, guys. That’s where all the dreamers go.
~Valerie Williams
Philadelphia, PA
valerieleewilliams@gmail.com
