Eleven Ways to Lose a Boyfriend in 4 days (approx.)
Have sex, and then start crying, inexplicably, because you suddenly remembered something he said that made you feel weird two weeks ago, and want to rehash it. For some reason, you fancy this moment an appropriate one.
Inform him you’re penciling in aborting his unmade child—even though you haven’t missed a period yet.
Ask him to give you every last detail about his ex-girlfriend, and when he tells you not to worry about it, hold him in a chokehold until he submits.
Convinced he’s purposefully ignoring you because he didn’t return a text within the half hour, plot how you’re going to break it off with him, before he breaks up with you.
Call him at work to tell him what you ate for lunch.
Call him at work after lunch to tell him about the oatmeal raisin cookies you had afterwards.
Engage him in weird public make out sessions…on the subway, in Heartland Brewery, at his sister’s high school graduation…
Give out your number to other guys…when he’s around.
Tell him everything about you—candid tidbits about past urinary track infections he didn’t ask for and quite frankly could live a nice long life without knowing—then get pissed when he isn’t as forthcoming.
Invite him to a wedding, and catch the bouquet after dating for just three months. Put your arms around his neck, gaze into his eyes, and tell him you want to name your first-born son Harold.
Concerned that you haven’t gotten in a fight yet, ask him what things would potentially bother him, then reenact a fight you never had to “strengthen the relationship.”
