I’m not a cynic; and some people might even call me a romantic. So it will come as a great shock to them when they find out that I have some real issues with weddings. It’s not that I have anything against marriage, but when I receive an embossed, cream-colored invitation in the mail, it’s a sign of many annoyances to follow.
If you have ever felt like the only woman alive who hasn’t been designing wedding veils and centerpieces since birth, you’re not alone. Below are my top five grievances against weddings.
5. Man and Wife. What is it about the sight of a flowing white gown that causes the feminist in so many of us to go into hibernation? In a conventional wedding, there is definitely some sexism involved. For one thing, the father “gives away” his daughter. Truth is, she’s not going anywhere except on a honeymoon and maybe to a new house. Passing a woman from one man to another seems like a left-behind relic of decades’ past.
And then there’s how a married couple is referred to as “Mr. and Mrs. [insert man’s full name here].” Changing one’s name is by individual choice, but why the need to refer to a woman as the female version of her husband?
4. “It’s My Day.” Far too often, weddings seem to be only about the bride. How many weddings have you been to where the groom has no clue as to how many people are attending or where he is even registered?
True, some men are probably not interested in the color of his bouquets, but that doesn’t mean that they don’t have opinions at all. It’s a common joke that men shouldn’t have input on weddings because they would choose to serve beer-battered ribs and Guinness or something equally distasteful at the reception.
But before a bride is so quick to reject this, maybe she should keep in mind that without the man in question, there would be no wedding to speak of anyway.
3. Wedding=Marriage. I understand that it’s easy to get caught up in the excitement of an impending wedding. But I think that some people place so much emphasis on “the big day” that they forget what they are really planning for is a much bigger challenge. Before you know it, the reception begins to resemble a pre-show football game and you still have no idea how many children your fiancé wants.
My boyfriend noted that some people treat weddings like microcosms of their relationships in that everything must be perfect. I say, take some time off from making seating charts and go out to a concert together. Everything need not be perfect. People may not remember how delicious the crab cake appetizer at the reception was, but you can bet they’ll notice if a couple is still in love 20 years down the line.
2. “$200 a head times two hundred guests…” I know a woman whose parents have been saving for her wedding since conception. This boggles my mind. I don’t think I’ll ever have the kind of money it takes to pay for a wedding, and if I did, I’d want to spend it on something else. My parents chose not to have a traditional wedding (more or less eloping to Italy instead), and with the money they saved they bought much of the furniture that still sits in our home.
It’s not just the bride, groom and their parents whose wallets take a hit, either: I always feel sympathetic toward bridesmaids, who have to purchase a dress and shoes, shower and wedding gifts, plus shell out funds for the bridal shower and bachelorette party. It just seems unnecessary, even wasteful. I would rather wear a dress I already have and use the money on a gift for the bride and groom (and possibly some Frye boots for me).
I guess I take after my grandmother: she used her wedding money to take her sisters to see Frank Sinatra.
1. “Are you next?” My number one complaint about weddings is that everyone wants to know when I will be planning mine. Apparently 21 is plenty old enough to be thinking about marriage. I think it’s fine for some people to get married young, but I am not one of them. And contrary to what many people assume, my lack of interest in marriage does not mean that I am against marriage, or that I do not love my boyfriend. And for those women who are currently free agents, there is nothing like a little friendly, “Why don’t you have a boyfriend?” nagging from wedding-goers to make us feel like downing an entire bottle of champagne.
Just because a woman is 21, or 29, or 39, does not mean that it’s time to get married. Like a lot of women, I have plans I hope to accomplish before I tie the knot. But even when I do, I’ll still be the same person (except possibly five figures poorer): a wedding ceremony is fine and well, but not anywhere near as important as having a solid, loving relationship, with or without a marriage certificate.
Slipping rings onto our fingers will not transform my boyfriend and me into a super couple—besides, I think we’re pretty super just as we are. I know that people mean well when they ask about my getting married, but that won’t be happening for some time. Because I know that as soon as I do get married, all anyone will want to know is when I’m having children.
~Kathryn Ionata
Philadelphia, PA
kathryn.ionata@temple.edu
