So I have this problem. Well…I have multiple problems, particularly
in the field of the opposite sex, but there’s one that I think amuses
most of my friends, and seriously frustrates me. Feelings. I can’t
handle them. Mine I deal with regularly. I’ve gone through
depression on more than one occasion so I know what my feelings are
like. But other people’s feelings. Boy feelings. Can’t do it. I’ve
spent most of my teens and early 20s listening to my girlfriends swoon
over the likes of John Mayer, Jason Mraz, and John Jackson and I can
honestly say that boys and their guitars singing about hippie feelings
and pretty girls is a huge turn off. Dave Grohl rocking out to
Everlong acoustic, on the other hand, is probably the sexiest thing I
could ever dream of. Having witnessed it twice, I will say it is the
sexiest thing and didn’t even need to close my eyes.
But let me give you some context. I’m 22 and I was born in a crap
suburb outside of Vancouver, BC. I was horribly awkward and insecure
for the first 13 years of my life, and to make matters worse, my
parents ripped me from everything I could have ever possibly known and
dumped me in Seattle, well Belleuve (an oh-so-fitting title for a shit
suburb). I still remember going to Senior Tolo and my “friends”
parents giving my mum dirty looks. It was a place to be judged, and
my parents were 3rd time ‘round immigrants who were having some
trouble fitting in. In Canada, immigration is a completely different
experience and lets just say that America didn’t exactly welcome us
the same way Canada embraced my parents. As a result, my mother
suffered from severe depression and spent a lot of time with a bottle
of wine, which, subsequently, I spent most of my teenage years
cleaning up. Not to mention the “roommates” or strays we took in that
took advantage of my parents’ kindness and lived in our house for
free. I never dated in high school and didn’t actually find any real
friends until my senior year, 4 years after I’d moved to the US, and
to this day I can count on one hand the friends I made there.
Basically, I toughened up and took care of myself.
I moved out when I was 18 and came to university in Vancouver. I
haven’t dated much since, but I’m starting to figure things out. Last
year I lived in France for 6 months and I met this guy. Antoine.
Every girl’s dream. Tall, dark, handsome, beautiful eye lashes,
sensitive, sweet, kind, and a little bit scarred. He was an orphan
adopted from Lebonnon by a French family (who he looked absolutely
nothing like). He and I hit it off, texting and flirting incessently.
I decided that I was only there for a short time, and didn’t want to
get attached to anyone or have to feel guilty for going away on
weekends and whatnot, so I started to push him away, thinking that he
probably wasn’t interested anyway. Well I was wrong. Extremely. He
emailed me one evening and said that he couldn’t handle being near me
and that he cared about me so much, but he didn’t ever want to see me
again. I.e. I love you. I’m a pussy. I don’t know what to do. I
left the door open between us, but as more time passed I realized that
he’d kind of led me on. As my friend put it, he was the kind of guy
that girls easily fall for, and probably really liked the attention,
just didn’t realize that he was falling himself. Well leading me on
is a great way to piss me off, and if you don’t know me, I’m not
someone you want to piss off. Essentially, when he tried to
reconnect, I blatantly shut him down and that’s when the feelings
began. He was broken. He had darkness inside of him. He didn’t like
it when I screened his call because I had other people over even
though I called him right back. He was a wounded child and he needed
to be nursed back to health (seriously, I almost vomitted when I read
that one). He basically made a fool of himself and any mutual friend
we had immediately sided with me.
So here I am back in the game and potentially faced with a guy who has
feelings. I’m going on a date with him tonight and since I’ve found
out about his sensitivities, I’ve panicked a little. I mean, what
happens if he’s another Antoine? And why do feelings have to
automatically be associated with insecurity? I have feelings and I’ve
worked out most of my insecurities. But I still feel that wall going
up and the poor guy hasn’t even had the chance to take me out for
dinner. So I’m gonna give it a shot…a real one. But I’m not gonna
make any promises. A good guy friend said to me yesterday that
someone needs to pull this guy aside and tell him to man up at least
for a night if he wants any sort of chance with me, so I guess we’ll
see if he’s had that pep talk. I’ll keep you posted.
-Aliyah Jessa
Vancouver, BC
