Finding the 'self' in our esteem
“I feel a lot more confident now,” I said to a friend, referring to the fact that thanks to a highly-dangerous drug [Accutane], I was now acne-free and feeling pretty for once.
“But you always seemed very confident before….” He responded hesitantly.
Shit, I thought to myself. He’s right. I was always confident before, having succeeded at numerous levels in academics, career, family, friends and general happiness. Then why had I thought that a drug would make ‘everything OK,’ when everything was just fine before?
Because women can’t find the ‘self’ in their esteem. Because despite everything we do right, there’s always something we can do better – and society’s messages are contributing to this constant drive to perfection. No matter how much we achieve – whether we are wonderful mothers of twins in North Dakota, a high-powered executive in advertising in New York, or a college student paying for her own school tuition in Iowa to be the first in her family to graduate – none of this matters.
The big picture – what we’ve done, are doing and will do in the future – has no meaning when all we think of are the tiny details. The little things that some universal power, whether derived from the media, our relationships with other women or some unknown force messing with our female minds in our sleep, keeps us on our toes for the next “self improvement” phase in our lives.
A few pimples and hundreds of pills and doctor’s visits later – plus some scary side effects including memory loss, sore muscles, cold sores and mood swings – and I now felt more beautiful than ever. Too bad I was just as beautiful before.
The validity of self-improvement is debatable. Our AWKWARD readers continue to comment on articles which portray an experience learned. These pieces boost our self-esteem, reminding us that it’s OK not to have a successful relationship, be best friends with our mom or even know how to put on black eyeliner (don’t ask me to – it looks like crap everytime). But what Erin E and I have recognized is an underlying desire to improve – because it is when we are working within ourselves that we feel valued and secure.
But what Erin E and I don’t want to fuel are feelings of inadequacy, of desire to be someone you’re not, of insecurity and lack of self worth. Yet, feminism isn’t over. Gloria Steinem opened the doors for alternative media for women when she launched Ms magazine in 1972. 30 plus years later, we’re on our oh, say 5th wave of feminism since, and the waves – and the female surfers who ride them – keep coming.
What we believe in is the self. In the belief that we are who we are because we possess innate good, and that particular media forces for women today steer women’s attention away from the positive energy that lies within. We forget to laugh at ourselves, we forget to be random, we forget to seize the beauty that is within each day, not in the lipstick-smeared smile on our faces or the diamond on our finger.
I live each day as an AWKWARD hypocrite, and I know why. Because I still struggle against the things which I hope an outlet like AWKWARD will remind women to forget.
But then, there are the young women – the teenagers of our female generation – who don’t have the mental understanding to turn away from these sources. These are the 13, 14, 15-year-old girls who strive to be popular in school, pad their bras and beg their mother’s to take them to Hollister so they can fit in and feel comfortable in their skin.
They have no AWKWARD role models. Not since JUNO have teenage girls been encouraged to be AWKWARD. And when they are, there is still runs a thread of “this is not acceptable.” Take Ugly Betty, for example. The show encourages us to turn away from the pompous, snobby and self-centered world of fashion. But Ugly Betty is still ugly. We know she is ugly, because the title of her show says so.
Since when does the ugly duckling have to become a swan? Why can’t we be ugly ducklings, swans, geese, cardinals, blue jays… pelicans?
AWKWARD has a future, but that future is still uncertain. We are writing, we are reading your writing, and we are talking. With careers in digital media (Erin E at Menshealth.com, Sammy D at Hearst Digital Media) we hope to hone the skills we need to launch a brand and change a generation – to help contribute to that 6th wave of feminism.
Ideas are boundless, and so we turn to you, AWKWARD reader, for help. Help us find direction – help us make change and help us seek the “self” that defines esteem, and not the esteem which can negatively control us.
*Posted by Sammy D