I’m in the happiest, most amazing relationship of my life. But I’m so dependent on it, on him. And I hate myself for it.
Almost four years ago, I met the guy of my dreams and he didn’t want to be with me. Almost four months ago, after all that time spent best friends with him, completely devoted to him and completely aware that I couldn’t be happy with anyone else, he decided he was ready to be in a relationship.
During those almost four years, I was forced to be alone and to be OK with it. I was forced to believe that this almost four months would never come, so I got to know myself and had fun without any significant others. I wasn’t totally happy, but I wasn’t totally unhappy either. And I certainly wasn’t attached to anyone.
So, when the guy of my dreams told me he couldn’t risk losing me for any longer, I didn’t realize how hard I’d fallen in those few years. As soon as our casual friendship transformed into a long-distance relationship, I fell even harder. I went home every other weekend. I thought about him every other minute.
And, worst of all, I went crazy if I didn’t hear from him every few hours. In less than two weeks, I was officially attached.
Suddenly, everything I’d heard about long-distance relationships became reality: they cause sad moods for bad reasons. They’re not, by any means, easy. And they only get harder as the days go on.
On top of all this, I couldn’t remember what it was ever like to be alone. I expected to hear from him at certain times every day, and without one phone call, my whole day was off. I started to find myself upset every night because I couldn’t be with him. And I didn’t know how to cure myself.
Although my relationship was perfect, my own stability wasn’t. I just wanted to be OK on my own again. I wished every day that I could feel happy both with and without my boyfriend. I thought it was impossible.
After the first two months of my relationship, the long-distance part didn’t get any better, but I did. I realized that there was a time that I was without love and OK with it. I had to convince myself, day after day, that the presence of love and mutuality in my life should only make me happier to be alive.
So, I swore to myself that I would no longer become upset knowing I couldn’t be with my boyfriend, but optimistic about the next time I’d see him. Rather than getting mad that a weekend would go by leaving us both on our own, I became excited for the next weekend we’d be together. Thinking this way actually worked: Now, I feel more comfortable with myself and with my new relationship.
And, most importantly, I feel independent again.
c.majorino@temple.edu
Philadelphia, PA
