Realizing it’s over for good - m4w
Reply to: pers-5XXXXXXXX@craigslist.org
Date: 2008-02-17, 11:20AM EST
Writing a letter explaining how you feel is supposed to help the grieving process, but never under any circumstances should you send that letter. Instead, i guess i can just strip away names and throw it out here, so it feels more like a letter, an less like an angsty teenage diary entry.
Dear _______,
We’ve been on and off, good and bad, fighting and loving for over a year now, but now I know it’s finally over. After our last fight, nothing was the same. i don’t want to see you anymore. It hurts too much.
I assume you’re not sitting around and sulking anymore, even though I am. I’m riding a roller coaster of emotions, feeling anywhere from free and happy to alone and miserable or both at any given time. I wonder where you are, what you’re doing, who you’re with, if you’ve found someone else, someone better than me, someone who makes you happy.
During the week I’ve immersed myself in work, in exercise, in eating right, and on the weekend I’ve gone off the deep end: Drinking heavily, finding momentary solace in cheap sex and flirting with girls. I don’t do it because I’m ready to move on, but because this whole relationship, this whole break up, and those last words you left me with, left me feeling wholly unattractive to anyone, and I just need to know that someone is or could be attracted to, or maybe even fall in love with me.
The thing that hurts the most right now, is not knowing why I miss you so much. On some very real, and deep level, I do not want to be with you, I don’t want to have anything to do with you, and I wish i never met you.
You asked me what I said about you to my friends when we first met, and you also said you never wanted to know. Well, here it is. I told them you were immature and insecure, and that it was going to be a problem, and that I didn’t want to get into a relationship with you because it was going to be a huge fight; It was. You needed attention from every guy. You needed to talk about sex with everyone you met: close friends, your ex’s, my friends. You never saw that it hurt me, you never saw that I didn’t want it, and you thought I was trying to change you when i complained about it. Well, I was. I’m not a kid anymore, and I don’t want to be. If I’m going to be in a relationship, a real relationship, I’m going to think about the future, I’m going to wonder how thing’s are going to play out a year, two years, maybe further down the line. How could I trust you when you promised to stop so many times and never did? How could you be so upset that I didn’t trust you when you lied to me so many times?
Finally, I’m sorry for what I’ve said to you in the past, too. When I was down about all of this, all of these emotions, all of my fears and new found insecurities overwhelmed me, overtook me, and I just had to tell you how it was, and it was harsh, but sadly it was true. I felt forced to take it back every time, but it never changed how I felt. I should never have said all those horrible things, I should have just left. Instead, i went back, maybe it was the sex, maybe it was a fear of being alone. I went back over and over again, and each time it was a little more bitter, a little more distrustful, a little more tenuous. Eventually, you couldn’t do it anymore, you couldn’t take it. Lashing out at me, hitting me, breaking things, you couldn’t take it anymore. You couldn’t take me anymore, and so you left.
Now, I need to figure out what to do next. I’d like to find the right person right now, someone that makes me forget all of the terrible things I’ve just been through, and the horrible person this relationship has made me. Or, if i can’t have that, I want to go back to who i was a year ago; Confident, happy to be single, independent, and attractive. Every once in a while, I feel like that person again, not for long, but i feel it, and it feels great. Now if i could just feel that more often and minimize those waves of misery that wash over randomly when i see something that reminds me of you, or I’m doing something I’d normally do with you, then I know I’m finally healing.
I love you,
I hate you,
good bye.
