In my life, I’ve only been close to a handful of deceased individuals. My grandmother when I was 14. My cousin when I was 17. An acquaintance in high school when I was 18.
Today I learned that my roommate’s father passed away from cancer. She knew his time was short, but she never had her chance to say goodbye.
I can’t even imagine what she is feeling right now: Despair, longing, guilt. The adjectives are endless; the feelings remain the same.
Today I stepped into my car and I wondered if I would die. If, while singing along to the radio and not paying attention to the road, I would miss a red light and be side-swiped in half, a life cut 3/4 short.
I wondered if I would die because the reality of death had hit me, and it had me thinking: When will my breaths stop, too?
When I was young, I used to have these twisted fantasies of my death. Everyone would come to my funeral and everyone would be incredibly sad. In my fantasies I watched my parents and all the kids at school cry for me. I was an omniscient character in the story of my own funeral, taking satisfaction in witnessing the effects of my earthly absence.
Sometimes people remain on earth, but they still die from our lives. And I’ll admit that in my years as a young adult, I’ve killed a few people from my life.
These are the people you deliberately stop talking to. They want to be near you, but for whatever reason, you’ve found the will and the reason to distance yourself from them. To tell yourself they don’t exist, to kill them from your mind and sometimes I’ve found, your memory.
When I’m reminded of these deaths, I have murders’ remorse. I want to reach out to them, to make up for my wrongs with a pathetic plea of my deep seeded goodness. I worry that karma will creep up and bite me in the butt- or hit me with a car.
Deliberate goodbyes can be just as painful as natural ones. For both the living and the deceased, we wonder what could have been, and what shouldn’t have ever.
My 86-year-old Great Aunt said it best, when she once explained that her letters to remaining friends sometimes go unanswered. And that is how she learns they have died. It is a natural goodbye, and naturally— it breaks her heart.
And my heart is breaking for you, Noelle. This post is dedicated to you and your family.
*posted by Sammy D
