AWKWARD: Because Perfection is Boring

Please clean up your sugar crystals in Hell.

As I stand in the middle of a half, self-destructing shift at a convenience store I have affectionately named “Hell,” I come to accept the sad, obvious truth: I am surrounded by idiots.

I work in a place I’d rather not name, because as shitty of a job as it is, I still need it, and the last thing I want is to lose it and have no shitty job to complain about.

My tasks at Hell are fairly simplistic in nature: make coffee, make food, ring up customers, clean, stock and do it all within 8 hours. Yet, I can never seem to get through a shift without wanting to commit arson on the store. Why is this you ask? One word: People.

Some customers who come into my store on a regular basis make my job worth working; others stop in to just put the cloud over my sunshine day. I am not only talking about the countless assholes that never learned the words “please” and “thank you,” I am talking about people with the intelligence of rodents, the ones that ask a plethora of endless, brainless questions or act in the most appalling manner possible.

There are just some things people should be capable of doing simply by being social creatures. For instance, when I ask you how your day is, an inappropriate response would be an annoyed sigh followed by, “a pack of Newport Lights.” I’m sorry; but on my planet you cannot feel like a pack of cancer sticks. It is this little nuance of people and so many others that peeves me to no end.

For your reading pleasure here is a compiled list of the Top 10 real-life stupid questions and comments I’ve dealt with on the job:

• “Excuse me miss, but, how big is a 6-inch hoagie?” Really?
• “Hi, I’d like to return this milk, it’s expired”
  ”Well, when did you purchase this milk, ma’am?”
  “Two months ago.” No, shit it’s expired!
• “What comes on a ham hoagie?” I’m going to take a guess and say some form of ham; may be a shot in the dark though…
• People who are on Blue Tooth’s at the register and never acknowledge my presence, though I’ve said hello 6 times. Get off the phone.
• People who pour coffee into the trashcan. The liquid pouring out of the bottom of the trash bag does not make for easy clean up people!
• People who leave sugar crystals, napkins and drinks all over the counters. How about I go into your kitchen, open your cabinets, and dump your shit on the floor!?
• Don’t steal, and if you do, do it well. Don’t put your purse down at my register, stuff it with candy, look at me and continue to walk out the door.
• If someone butts in front of you in line, please don’t swing at them and then threaten to stab me. It’s not necessary, though they were a jerk, its not worth threatening my life, you’ll wait 30 seconds more. No big deal.
• When giving the cashier money, please don’t throw it at them. They are human and have working hands too.
• Never under any circumstances ask this question: “Is there any meat in the tuna fish?”  IT’S TUNA FISH LADY. You’re officially the biggest disappointment in the history of humanity.

In short, don’t make my life a living hell. I don’t get paid enough to deal with your stupidity.

~Lauren
Philadelphia, PA

The ABC's of [non] attraction.

I have a horribly AWKWARD tendency to become attracted to my male amigos. They’re all adorable in a cute best-closeted-gay-friend type of way, but I find that after a while I always find myself struggling with emotions of attraction and attachment.

One of my earlier (but definitely not earliest) endeavors that included a serious breach upon the laws of platonic friendship was spent with my good friend—well, let’s call him R. R was the distressed poet type in my high school English Composition class who, like many before him, made the mistake of falling for the infamous vixen C. C is an always-well-clad bitch whose hobbies include bending precariously over in front of any teachers with testicles and making passes at those poor innocent individuals that have yet to fall in love with her.

So, here I was sitting AWKWARDly in my English class, seething as C rustled her freshly-painted fingers through R’s hair when I realized why exactly I was bitter. I had feelings for R. At the time, I did not recognize these feelings for what they really were a product of; A mundane and insignificant crush, like the kind you experience when you walk into a bar and fall in love with the boy on stage with his acoustic guitar—that is, until you see him up close after his set finishes. I can get feelings for anyone, and I’ve found that I tend to lose them just as quickly as they appear.

So, it’s the last week of my senior year of high school and our English teacher announces the end of the lesson, giving us 20 minutes of time to sign yearbooks. R struts over to me and asks me to sign his yearbook. I consent. As I’m writing, I realize that I will only be seeing R a couple more times we head off to college so I decide to make his day [and maybe a future night of mine?] and inform him that I have had a secret crush on him all throughout high school.

This is a lie. This crush has lasted all of about two days and has already started to [though without my knowledge] wane. I had heard that he didn’t read his yearbook entries until after graduation so I assumed that that same rule would apply to mine. I should have remembered that candid little phrase that has saved my ass countless nights: Never assume. Well, unfortunately for him, I did.

He read it. I’m pretty sure that very night, because the next night a bunch of us high school theatre nerds had a date set up to go out to eat and then head to the 7PM Showing of Avenue Q. R happened to be one of those people, and we happened to be carpooling. That was when it became apparent that he had read the entry. He made a show of trying to sit next to me in the theatre, and even though many of our high school staff [who had, like us, been given teacher/student discounts] was sitting behind us as we watched puppets fuck on stage, he still managed to whisper little secretively-flirtatious snippets into my ear.

Graduation passes by, and my friend A calls me asking me to go to dinner with her. As I’m driving over to her house, illegally carrying on a conversation with A via text message, she nonchalantly lets me know that R and A’s new love interest E were “tagging along.” On this AWKWARD double date, I decide that R is cute and that I really want to give him a chance, especially since I’m the one who initiated everything. To help push me in the “right” [meaning so horribly wrong] direction are a few drinks, served to us by the ditzy waitress who mistakenly forgot to ask for our identification.

To cut to the chase, we AWKWARDly go to some random suburbia park. Drunk. And then AWKWARDly kiss. I realize as we’re locking lips that I literally have zero feelings for him. He asked me out again for months after high school until he finally seemed to get the idea—that even though I lead him on as far as I possibly could, there was no chance in hell anything would over come out of it.

So am I C, the vixen I secretly despise? I analyze my past and realize I have a million other Rs under my belt. B, T, P, J… the list goes on. Am I notorious for being a vixen like my nemesis, C? Do I feel a secret schadenfreude pleasure every time I destroy a friendship and a perfectly amazing guy? Maybe. Maybe I really am everything I despise.

~Anonymous
“Britney Spears”
janedoe424242@yahoo.com

I'm not going to the chapel [yet].

I’m not a cynic; and some people might even call me a romantic. So it will come as a great shock to them when they find out that I have some real issues with weddings. It’s not that I have anything against marriage, but when I receive an embossed, cream-colored invitation in the mail, it’s a sign of many annoyances to follow.

If you have ever felt like the only woman alive who hasn’t been designing wedding veils and centerpieces since birth, you’re not alone. Below are my top five grievances against weddings.

5. Man and Wife. What is it about the sight of a flowing white gown that causes the feminist in so many of us to go into hibernation? In a conventional wedding, there is definitely some sexism involved. For one thing, the father “gives away” his daughter. Truth is, she’s not going anywhere except on a honeymoon and maybe to a new house. Passing a woman from one man to another seems like a left-behind relic of decades’ past.

And then there’s how a married couple is referred to as “Mr. and Mrs. [insert man’s full name here].” Changing one’s name is by individual choice, but why the need to refer to a woman as the female version of her husband?

4. “It’s My Day.” Far too often, weddings seem to be only about the bride. How many weddings have you been to where the groom has no clue as to how many people are attending or where he is even registered?

True, some men are probably not interested in the color of his bouquets, but that doesn’t mean that they don’t have opinions at all. It’s a common joke that men shouldn’t have input on weddings because they would choose to serve beer-battered ribs and Guinness or something equally distasteful at the reception.

But before a bride is so quick to reject this, maybe she should keep in mind that without the man in question, there would be no wedding to speak of anyway.

3. Wedding=Marriage. I understand that it’s easy to get caught up in the excitement of an impending wedding. But I think that some people place so much emphasis on “the big day” that they forget what they are really planning for is a much bigger challenge. Before you know it, the reception begins to resemble a pre-show football game and you still have no idea how many children your fiancé wants.

My boyfriend noted that some people treat weddings like microcosms of their relationships in that everything must be perfect. I say, take some time off from making seating charts and go out to a concert together. Everything need not be perfect. People may not remember how delicious the crab cake appetizer at the reception was, but you can bet they’ll notice if a couple is still in love 20 years down the line.

2. “$200 a head times two hundred guests…” I know a woman whose parents have been saving for her wedding since conception. This boggles my mind. I don’t think I’ll ever have the kind of money it takes to pay for a wedding, and if I did, I’d want to spend it on something else. My parents chose not to have a traditional wedding (more or less eloping to Italy instead), and with the money they saved they bought much of the furniture that still sits in our home.

It’s not just the bride, groom and their parents whose wallets take a hit, either: I always feel sympathetic toward bridesmaids, who have to purchase a dress and shoes, shower and wedding gifts, plus shell out funds for the bridal shower and bachelorette party. It just seems unnecessary, even wasteful. I would rather wear a dress I already have and use the money on a gift for the bride and groom (and possibly some Frye boots for me).

I guess I take after my grandmother: she used her wedding money to take her sisters to see Frank Sinatra.

1. “Are you next?” My number one complaint about weddings is that everyone wants to know when I will be planning mine. Apparently 21 is plenty old enough to be thinking about marriage. I think it’s fine for some people to get married young, but I am not one of them. And contrary to what many people assume, my lack of interest in marriage does not mean that I am against marriage, or that I do not love my boyfriend. And for those women who are currently free agents, there is nothing like a little friendly, “Why don’t you have a boyfriend?” nagging from wedding-goers to make us feel like downing an entire bottle of champagne.

Just because a woman is 21, or 29, or 39, does not mean that it’s time to get married. Like a lot of women, I have plans I hope to accomplish before I tie the knot. But even when I do, I’ll still be the same person (except possibly five figures poorer): a wedding ceremony is fine and well, but not anywhere near as important as having a solid, loving relationship, with or without a marriage certificate.

Slipping rings onto our fingers will not transform my boyfriend and me into a super couple—besides, I think we’re pretty super just as we are. I know that people mean well when they ask about my getting married, but that won’t be happening for some time. Because I know that as soon as I do get married, all anyone will want to know is when I’m having children.

~Kathryn Ionata
Philadelphia, PA
kathryn.ionata@temple.edu

My work on answerology.com

Sammy D update: She is an assistant editor of social media at Hearst Digital Media.

So yesterday, to familiarize herself with the Hearst Digital property answerology.com, she made up a profile and an identity not her own. And to the Q&A social community Web site, she posed the following 100 percent fabricated question:

[repeat: this is completely false]

POSTED 11:50AM, June 18th

QUESTION: I’m engaged, and I just learned that my fiancee cheated on me when we were just dating. I never found out, and he broke things off with the girl before I could even notice. I’m wondering whether to break the engagement to think things out. I don’t know what to do - how do I approach this if it isn’t a problem now, but could have been if I knew about it when it happened in the past?

The first response, 12:07PM,  June 18th

km12 answered:

————— km12 wrote ————
I think what might be best is a pause in the relationship rather than a break-up. That way you can take time to think, but neither of you see anyone else.

Honestly though, I wouldn’t marry him. He cheated when things were new and probably pretty happy- what will happen 20 years down the line when you are dealing with real marital conflict? Even though he isn’t currently cheating (as far as you know), it is still a problem now- he isn’t who you thought he was.

Thoughts: A valid point, km12. But then, you completely contradict yourself. Your advice to my made up fictional situation confuses me?

snowkatcher answered:

————— snowkatcher wrote ————
Give it time and think it through. You just have to decide if you will be able to trust him again.

Thoughts: If this had actually happened to me, this is a probable option.

sphere answered:

————— sphere wrote ————
At what period of just dating. I have heard of people dating someone and then meeting someone else they like better and they slowly begin the new relationship while breaking off the other relationship. Is that cheating? Good luck?

Thoughts: So true! The answers are getting smarter. I could have just been casually dating him at the time, when multiple interests were OK.

louisiana70 answered:

————— louisiana70 wrote ————
I cant even imagine a beautiful woman like you getting cheated on like that! You are very beautiful ya know! ;)

Thoughts: Dear Lord, save me.

welloone answered:

————— welloone wrote ————
You don’t look much like a doormat. But I am worried about you becomming one.

I would worry. But maybe it depends on how long you were dating. I mean, during the first several dates, he might have been seeing more than one woman, and just had not sorted out who he liked yet.

I think you could forgive this.

But if he did it after you were dateing for a while, I think it shows he has no qualms about cheating on you. He may find another opportunity a few years in the future.

Me, I think I would slow things down. Not break off the engagement perhaps, but let him know how it hurt you. See what he has to say for himself, and give yourself some time to reconsider. This is a decision not to be made lightly.

Good luck

Thoughts: You are worried that I will become a WHAT? A doormat? Excuse me? No more comments, pshh that crap.

troubledsoul answered:

————— troubledsoul wrote ————
a breach of trust is still breach of trust.. even if the event happened in the past, for you it is like it happened now since you found out about it now.. what if you find out later that when he cheated on you he made her pregnant too.. oops.. and now she has a kid from him? I would suggest you take your time to reconsider things and think it through and then take a decision.

I know i have been lied to in the past and if i had known the complete truth i would not have got married to her.. and till date i regret my decision… dont go by my story though, you should think it through before you do anything.. give yourself some time to heal..

Thoughts: Oh shit, she so COULD have a child from my fiance! Oh My God… I see the light of it all. I should break the engagement!

tleeb answered:

————— tleeb wrote ————
well it depends how long did he have a relationship with the other women or was it just a fwb he was cheating with? how long had you guys been dating when he was with this other women?

Putting all that side he did dumped her to be with you. That’s all that should matter now.

Tell him you want to lay out everything before you guys get married and ask him if he’s ever cheated on you. If he doesnt confess then tell him what you know. Then ask again is there anyone else he wants to tell you about. Poor guy will be sweating bullets.

Thoughts: Oooh… make my fiance sweat bullets and feel the PAIN he made me go through. YES! That’s such a winner.

nuelcy answered:

————— nuelcy wrote ————
my dear Chase your self out and close the door behind you coz hel keep on dating and dropping by the time you know hell have dated a million ladies

Thoughts: Err, someone is a MANHATER here…

iamasamos answered:

————— iamasamos wrote ————
If he broke things off for you and is still true, why worry about what might have been? Sounds like you have your own doubts, what is it said: Why consider the boulder in another’s eye when your own eye has the same flaw?

Thoughts: Boulder? In my eye? WTF?

smellyellie answered:

————— smellyellie wrote ————
The key to my reply is “we were just dating” At that time you and he were not engaged and my guess no promises were made at that time ,you owed him nothing and he owed you nothing more or less no strings attached. My guess he dumped her because he saw a future with you and more depth to the relatioship. I would consider going forth with your engagment and since you said it isnt a problem now…then darling DONT MAKE IT ONE!!!! BEST OF LUCK!

Thoughts: Literally, the last - and BEST - response. Praise Allah, there is wisdom and sanity in this world.

*Posted by Sammy D

I wonder...

…if PR practitioners with British accents have a higher success rate? Because I totally just got snookered by one…and I don’t even care. I just hope she calls me back.

Posted by Erin E

Dictionary.com word of the day // 6.18 // 10:02 AM

COGENT \KOH-juhnt, adjective:

Having the power to compel conviction; appealing to the mind or to reason; convincing.

In this uncertainty that is the start of a new life, I play *COGENT games with my mind to secure some mental reasoning and calm my fears.

*Not sure if this is the right usage. Anyone know?

Probably the worst workout pump-up mix*

*I really ought to choose something a little more uptempo. Maybe then I wouldn’t be in danger of not finishing Wednesday’s 5K in the alloted one-hour time slot…

1. “Down in a Hole” —Alice in Chains

2. “Nutshell” —Alice in Chains

3. “Rape me” —Nirvana

4. “Cast no Shadow (live)”—Oasis

5. “Jigsaw Falling into Place” — Radiohead

6. “Could Well Be In”—The Streets

7. “Almost Lover”—A Fine Frenzy

8. “Daphne Descends”—The Smashing Pumpkins

9. “Big Girls Don’t Cry”—Fergie

10. “Starlight”—Muse

11. “High”—James Blunt

By Erin E