AWKWARD: Because Perfection is Boring

Speaking of The Sims

In Chuck Klosterman’s “Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs: A Low Culture Manifesto” he talks about the popular video game, The Sims, and ponders the relevance of living an e-life that is for all intents and purposes, completely irrelevant. He talks about how The Sims illustrates that “even eternally free people are enslaved by the process of living” but then admires the creation of his pseudo self, saying after scoring with a hot e-chick “this SimChuck is one suave bastard.”

Perhaps for us Web 2.0 ers, Facebook is the new Sims? Why interact with people when you can just poke them from the comfort of your own bedroom?

Dictionary.com Word of the Day // 5.11 // 7:22AM

PARSIMONIOUS \par-suh-MOH-nee-uhs, adjective:

Sparing in expenditure; frugal to excess.

In today’s day and age of rising gas prices, being PARSIMONIOUS is a virtue - changing your route to work to avoid the $4 morning Starbucks fix is the only acceptable thing to do.

Word of the day // 5.8 // 9:47 AM

MOIETY \MOY-uh-tee, noun:

1. One of two equal parts; a half.
2. An indefinite part; a small portion or share.
3. One of two basic tribal subdivisions.

The MOIETY of our love is not halves but like thirds, except he is the little dog who keeps sneaking bites of my heart from the corner of my eye, its juices bleeding down his chin like tomato sauce.

Nothing Glorious About Glory Days

By Erin Hicks

It would seem this year is the year of the musical. With “In The Heights”, “Alter Boyz”, and “Sweeny Todd” getting major accolades, the gaping hole Rent is soon to leave once it takes off from the theater circuit in June surly won’t have any problems being filled with new musicals trying to establish themselves as not lame.

That said, “Glory Days” isn’t one of them. Written by 20 something’s, Nick Blaemire and James Gardiner and directed by Eric Schaeffer, artistic director of the Signature Theater, the show not only disproved the conceit that musicals might be the new play, but actually made us never want to watch a show, of any kind, ever again.

The over done and predictable tale is that of four best friends who get together a year after high school graduation to talk about college, road trips and (not) scoring with women. Their jargon is hip to the point of hyperbole—though Blaemire and Gardiner began writing the play when they themselves were in high school, not many real teenagers we know actually use phrases like  ”what up skillet?” and “tots.”

The characters were barley entertaining and completely predictable. Based off typical high school stereo types—you had the jock, the Michael Cerra-esque narrator, the quiet yet snarky voice of reason, and the recently gay. That’s right, the play is billed as a “coming of age tale” and that means, predictably, one of the main characters was coming to terms with his sexuality, much to the shock (and in some cases horror) of his closest friends.

In a recent interview, Blaemire said he wanted to talk about “a generation of overindulged, privileged young people.” He also wanted to capture the self-centeredness of “generation apathy,” as he calls today’s youth, which he is a part of.

But instead of capturing the era, the play seemed to make fun of it. But not in the irreverent way you’d expect from two play wrights coming to age in Generation Apathy. Rather in a more unintended way by taking itself way too seriously. All we could do was laugh.

Word of the day // 5.5 // 9:14PM

FUSTIAN \FUHS-chuhn, noun:

1. A kind of coarse twilled cotton or cotton and linen stuff, including corduroy, velveteen, etc.
2. An inflated style of writing or speech; pompous or pretentious language.
3. Made of fustian.
4. Pompous; ridiculously inflated; bombastic.

 When we met I couldn’t believe my ears at listening to her FUSTIAN mouth. Her words overflowed her lips like a child who had too much cotton candy for the stuffing.

AWKWARD foods I'm into at the moment

I joke with Erin E that she’s an AWKWARD food eater. The girl will put ketchup on bread and mix it in egg yolk as a snack, I swear (OK, not that bad, but she does put ketchup on saltines. The truth.)

We get stuck in our ways with our foods. They may not be home cooking worthy, but I love them for their convenience, for their use as an additive to a vehicle of taste, and because they are grab-and-go staples, no cooking required.

Read this list as some of the staples. I could live happily on this list alone [and pretty much do]. More interesting AWKWARD food reviews to come.

What is your AWKWARD [i.e. random favorite] food? Tell us now at erinsammyawkward@gmail.com

AWKWARD food #1: HUMMUS

You can dip just about anything in hummus - and eat it straight out of the jar, a la peanut butter, but with about 20 less grams of fat and 120 less calories. Ladies and gentlemen, hummus is the new peanut butter.

AWKWARD food #2: POWER BARS by: KELLOGS, LUNA or KAISHI

At about $2 each, this isn’t like getting the 2/1 candy bar deal. But for about 1.5 times the price, you get a sweet something with less fat and [hopefully] goodness to them. I’ve been known to eat two a day in place of real food.

Lowest calorie: KELLOGS // 180 calories

Most fiber: KAISHI // 6 grams of fiber

Best vitamins and with a gazillion flavors: LUNA // 23 vitamins developed for “women”

AWKWARD food #3: SPLENDA-BASED PRODUCTS

Seriously, splenda is God’s gift to women. I love it so much that I think I prefer the taste of splenda over real sugar.

AWKWARD food #4: SOY MILK

Soy milk tastes like a vanilla milkshake. I can drink soy milk straight from the glass like I was 10-years-old again and in dire need of calcium for my young bones to grow.

Soy milk is higher in calories and fat than skim, but that’s the tradeoff you get for this product that never goes bad. Put it in the fridge for two months - it’s the same stuff as before. Talk about amazing.

AWKWARD food #5: RICE CAKES

I’ve recently taken a liking to rice cakes, especially with jelly on them. It is like having low-cal toast. Bonus: You can buy an entire roll of the generic kind for $1. Take that shitty economy and rising bread prices!

AWKWARD food #6: KETCHUP

My Dad’s fiancee once said that everything is a vehicle for ketchup. I thought she was crazy at the time… but with my aging wisdom, I can now assert that she’s honest-to-goodness right.

Steak, fish, grilled cheese, omeletes, eggs, fries, saltines [for Erin E]… there is an abundance of foods screaming for ketchup. Teresa Heinz, God bless you and your 57 varieties.

AWKWARD food #7: CHAI TEA

Oregon chai tops the list - I’m not a particular fan of Starbucks chai (too spicy), but then again, I thoroughly enjoy chai from a machine. Try 7-Eleven’s new chai release. Pure sugar? Yes. Delicious? Yes. In need of splenda? Yes, and you can buy sugar-free versions, too!

AWKWARD food #8: GRAPES

Some call it nature’s candy - I call it my addiction. I prefer green, but I don’t think there is actually a difference in taste between red and green. It’s all in my head. I’ve been known to finish off an entire bag within two days. When I have the munchies, I grab grabes.

AWKWARD food #9: KAISHI GO LEAN! CRUNCH CEREAL

At a higher price point than the generic O’s you can get in a plastic bag below knee level at the Shop Rite, you have to be willing to dish out about $5 for a box of cereal meant mostly to regulate your body functions. In other words, this cereal has a ridiculous amount of fiber. Go Lean! has 8 grams.

So if you have a huge bowl, don’t leave the house for about 15 minutes. You’ve been warned.

AWKWARD food #10: IRISH SODA BREAD

My roommate bought this, I tried some, and I fell in love. I had no idea what Irish soda bread even was until I swiped some from my roomie, so I took the liberty of Wikipedia-ing it for you.

What it is: A staple to the Irish diet since 1840, when bicarbonate of soda was introduced to Ireland and replaced hard wheat, which was difficult to grow in Ireland’s climate. Hard wheat helps bread rise with the assistance of yeast.

So soda bread is a type of bread in which baking soda replaces yeast. Buttermilk is also used to make soda bread, and the lactic acid in buttermilk reacts with the baking soda to create bubbles of carbone dioxide in the bread.

AWKWARD food #11: OATMEAL

I had a legitimate problem with oatmeal for a while. I bought a big ole’ generic box of it… and just ate, and ate, and ate. For breakfast: A huge bowl of oatmeal, raisens, banana, blueberries, crackers, you name it: And I put it in that bowl of generic oatmeal.

Try generic oatmeal with banana, stick it in the microwave and then mix together. I swear to God, you are eating a banana sundae for breakfast.

AWKWARD food #12: SUSHI

I also had a legitimate problem with sushi last year. Offered in the food court at our student center, I was eating it about five times a week. Mercury, anyone? But really, I should move to LA I love this stuff so much.

AWKWARD food #13: ASIAN GINGER SALAD DRESSING

I guess it isn’t the most politically correct name, but the spicy brown stuff adds a bangable amount of flavor to your palate - and it’s not high cal or high fat like other salad dressings, either. Asian or not - the stuff gets your taste buds poppin’.

AWKWARD food #14: BROCCOLI

Freshman year at the Temple cafeteria, I’d request entire plates of the stuff.

It used to be one of those foods I hated. But after boiling it, with a dash of salt, the stuff is delicious.

AWKWARD food #15: MCDONALD’S VANILLA ICE CREAM CONES

Apparantly these are only 2 points each on the Weight Watchers diet. If I ever went on that diet, all I would eat are McDonald’s vanilla ice cream cones. I guess for 20 points I can have 10 then. Score.

*Posted by Sammy D